Why I'm Quiet #3: Conflict, and why my sister is amazing.

"ihi" - pronounced "ee-hee!" with the exclamation at the end. Typed because I needed some random letters on screen to set the proper font size. Left here because I felt it was much better than the "ffgkljhlkg" I usually end up with.

So....Where to begin this one? How about in the future!

In exactly less than a month, my one and only sister will be getting married! Which is super awesome for her but will likely suck a bit for me because as soon as she's officially tied the knot, everyone I know will most likely, at some point or another, in some form or fashion, say to me, "now it's your turn." The unfortunate fate of the younger sibling, to be reminded by your loved ones that you're still single and not getting any younger.

Wow, that sounds really bitter. Haha, no, I'm in no hurry to get married (though if all my friends marry off first and leave me roommate-less, I might feel more inclination to hurry then). But I'm not really looking forward to the "your turn" comments, because the way I look at it, I'm not the one in control here. God knows who I should marry and when she and I will be ready to be together, so there isn't much I can do to hurry that along, except trust God and live for Him in the here and now...which still doesn't actually guarantee I'm not supposed to be single forever...darn it, this post is not supposed to be about me, nor about marriage and singleness. How did I get off on this tangent?

Okay. Let's leave the future and return to wherever this post was meant to go...

If either of the two of us deserves to receive the gift and blessing of a spouse and the incredible joys of marriage, it's my sister, Sara. She doesn't hear it from me nearly often enough, but I think she is an amazing person. She has a deep love for God, a servant's heart, a passion for life, and inspiring faithfulness. And unlike me, she was born to sing; it may not be the talent that's providing for her at the moment, but it's definitely one of her greatest gifts, which she has used so much over the years to bless so many people (though I have to admit, I looked forward to her leaving for college back in the day because it meant no more singing in the shower while I was trying to watch TV).

My sister and I are kind of polar opposites in a lot of ways, actually. She sings, I don't. She's talkative and a people person, I'm quiet and shy. She is a fan of just about any food in existence, and I stick to a handful of basic meals most days...she can also cook really well, and I can't....And one of the biggest differences I've come to realize over the last few years: she is one of the bravest people I know, and I grew up avoiding conflict.

This is going to make me look terrible, but here goes...

My sister is not one to shy away or back down when faced with a challenge. I can think of a lot of examples here, but the one that stands out most in my memory has to do with the school bus and snow. We grew up in Michigan, and when we were younger, we got some pretty sweet snowfalls in the winters up there. But seeing as it's Michigan, school rarely closed. When we reached middle school, we had to start riding a bus since school was no longer just a block away. Every morning, we would walk to our old elementary school to wait for our bus to come pick us up, and when it got cold in the winter, they would open the school doors to let us wait inside where it was warm.

Unfortunately, there was this one kid in my sister's grade who was not a fan of my sister. To him, she was the easiest target to pick on and make fun of as a way of seeking attention or trying to be popular or play the part of the rebel or whatever the motivation was. And on those cold winter days, he would sometimes let the doors close and lock again before she and I arrived, locking us both outside in the cold. Sara, knowing full well she had just as much right as anyone to wait inside with everyone else, would bravely stand there at the doors and knock until one of the other kids finally let her in....But where was I for all of this? I was 30 feet away, pacing around the edges of a sandbox in the snow, avoiding the whole battle.

I was more willing to walk around in the snow and the cold air and wait for the bus by myself than to stand there beside my sister and knock as well. I left her on her own and ran from the conflict, from the laughter, from the embarrassment of being the one locked out. And it happened more than once.

It wasn't the only time I wasn't brave enough to stand up for my sister, I'm ashamed to say. Sara faced her fair share of social challenges growing up, and she met them head on with such determination to overcome them and experience that freedom to be herself no matter what others thought. I went the opposite direction. I watched her face ridicule, and instead of learning from her example and standing up for myself when the jokes came my way, I learned to fear the laughter, and so I did everything I could to avoid putting myself in situations where those around me had a chance to have a laugh at my expense. I saw the cost of battling social cruelty, the strength it took to stand true, and when I didn't find it in myself, I turned and ran, because I found it easier to be the weird kid who's strangely quiet than the kid who stands up even in the face of cruelest laughter.

I'm quiet because I'm too afraid to get laughed at. And that's the third reason.

I was no knight in shining armor when my sister needed one, and for that I am sorry. I wish I could go back and tell my twelve year old self, "Dude, I know cold weather isn't that hard to put up with, but seriously, it sucks man, and it's unhealthy. Go get in that building, even if you have to beat that glass on the door until it breaks." True, the school administrators might have seen it as vandalism on my part, no matter what the other kids were doing, but it would have been better than the path I chose.

Sara, if you're reading this (which I'm sure you will be at some point; you're the only person who tells me regularly what you think of my posts), I want you to know I'm sorry I wasn't the princely brother you deserved growing up. I think you grew up to be an incredible, talented, and brave woman, and I am proud to call you my sister. I love you very much and I can't wait to watch you walk down that aisle in a few weeks (though I have to admit, as your photographer, I may spend part of that time sprinting down the side aisle in order to capture the moment from as many angles as possible...so please, if you would, walk slowly :)  ).

Why I'm Quiet #2B: Who am I?

Yep, #2B. Because I just finished writing and posting #2. So if you haven't read it yet, now would be an excellent time to do so!

I wanted to end the post by writing out who I feel like I am right now, but it was already pretty long, so I decided to make this a separate post as a way of making you, the reader, think you're reading two posts instead of one super long one (mwahaha).

So who am I? Who do I think I am? Who do I feel like I am? Well, here's what I've got, just off the top of my head. And I'm sure some things in here I'll be happy to write, some things I'll be sad to admit, some things I'll probably struggle to actually believe, and some I'll hope to not see here by the next time I write out a list like this again one day. I figure one of the best ways to really be able to look back one day and see how far God has brought me would be to write out, from time to time, just where I am or where I think I am, so that some day I can read this and think, "Whoa! What in the blue blazin' saddles of Mad Cow disease sniffing googolplexes was I thinking back then???" And yes, I hope to talk like that on a regular basis by then...

Who I am (as far as I can tell so far):

1. My name is Seth Thomas Helpap.

2. I'm 26 years old, 5'10", brown hair, grayish blue eyes, and this is starting to sound like I'm writing a personal ad...

3. I grew up in Michigan, which, contrary to the belief of many Ohians, is not actually Hell.

4. I'm an Asbury College Graduate, with a degree in Media Communications, double emphasis in Production and Multimedia Production (neither of which interest me much...).

5. I live in Los Angeles, a city I've come to love more than I could have ever guessed I would prior to living here. It feels like home.

6. I spent a year living in Atlanta once. It didn't feel like home. I heart L.A.

7. I am one of the most eclectic people I know when it comes to music. I can listen to just about anything, even a few country songs (though music with obscene lyrics is a huge turn off).

8. I'm a Disney fan. Even though my roommates respect me less for it.

9. I'm also a fan of Michael W. Smith music. Which my roommates also despise. Oh yeah, and Yanni's Live at the Acropolis. Good stuff.

10. I'm kind of a picky eater. I like simple flavors. Though I do continue to try new things every now and then to expand my horizons.

11. I refuse to drink coffee because A: I don't want to be a caffeine addict, 2: I don't want to spend my savings at Starbucks, and D: I don't like the taste anyway. Double points if you guessed "Home Alone" as the source for that awesome sub-numbering system I used there.

12. I enjoy reading children's books more than adult novels.

13. If they made those huge plastic playgrounds you see in yards these days for adults, I'd totally have one.

14. I still dream about building the perfect tree house someday.

15. I am a Jack of all Trades. I pick new things up fairly quickly to an extent, but rarely do I stick with things long enough to become really good at them.

16. Contrary to #15 up there, I have found in myself this passion for visual effects that has surpassed any passions I've held in the past, in that I've been at it for over a year now, working in it nearly every day, and I continue to desire to learn more. I have no inclination of giving it up any time soon because it's just so fun!

18. I still hope to learn to count right one of these days (see: above).

19. That was a joke. I know 17 should be there.

The real 19: I've written two novels and a memoir to date, and I can't bring myself to read either of them anymore. They're that bad. But I want to be a writer some day, just not now. Which is why I don't mind one bit that the novel I've been planning for the last 4 years is still just in the planning stages. I'll write it when it's ready.

20. I am a biking and jogging enthusiast, though I don't do either as much as I would like.

21. I am a good conversationalist who just lacks confidence when conversing with people I don't know very well (you were starting to wonder if this list was ever going to get serious, weren't you?)

22. I have been blessed with certain gifts and talents, even though I may not always recognize them or thank God enough for them or wish I had been given others. God gave me the ones I have for a reason, so I want to focus my time and energy on those, not the other stuff.

23. I really like to sing, even though I don't have the courage to even sing for myself...and this is the first one of the list to really strike a noticeable cord in my heart...I need to get over that fear.

24. I am a drummer who needs to work up the courage to ask his church if they need any more drummers for the worship team.

25. I am a romantic, but thankfully no longer a romantic idealist.

26. My age!

27. The age I was kind of hoping to get married at....see part #2 for more details if you skipped it :)

28. I am a man who desires to desire God more.

29. I am a man who longs to love God more than he will his future wife.

30. I am a man who is willing to be single my entire life if it's what God wants, though I really hope it isn't.

31. I am a man who can now admit it is possible to think I've heard something from God, only to learn later that I was wrong.

32. I am blessed with friends I don't deserve, friends I push away, friends who chase me when I run.

33. I feel unworthy of the grace I've been given, the seconds chances I've been blessed with.

34. I am more impatient than I let on.

35. I hold too much in. I hide too much away.

36. I am still a coward.

37. I don't feel as free as I am.

38. I still listen to lies.

39. I still lack confidence.

40. I am very thankful for how much God reminds me He is continuing what He is doing in me, and when I stumble and fall, He doesn't just leave me there but helps me to get back up and keep moving forward.

41. I am a child of God.

42. I know that the confidence I lack, the courage I don't feel, are found in God, and I am striving to deepen my relationship with Him to find freedom from my fears.

43. I fear judgment everywhere. I worry about what people think too much, from the things I say to the clothes I wear, the movies I watch to the music I listen to, the books I read to the way I pray. I hold back because I don't know how those around me will react.

44. I may struggle to remember it, but I know the battle is already won!

45. I love chocolate and vanilla ice cream scooped into a cone together.

46. I look forward to having both a dog and kids some day, though other people's  kids make me uncomfortable, and I don't have the time to take care of a dog right now (silly commute).

47. I long to travel the world some day.

48. I look terrible in just about any hat.

49. I am more attractive than I believe some days.

50. I am changing.

Ok, that's enough for now. I'm sure I could go on, but I'd say 50 is a good start.

Why I'm Quiet #2: Identity Theft

Welcome to second installment of the Why I'm Quiet series!

Let me put your worries to rest right away: this post has nothing whatsoever to do with freecreditreport.com or their awful commercials (the one in the seafood restaurant was alright, but seriously, know when to quit, people...that goes for you, too, Geico).

I'm 26 years old. When I was 20 years old, I remember telling a friend that I hoped to get married around the age of 27. So I've got a year left, then. Can it still happen? Sure. Does it look like it will? Not really. Am I being pessimistic? Nah. Because the more I dig deeper into my relationship with God, and the more I reflect on my life and who I am, the more I realize how unready I am for marriage....man, that sounds pessimistic too...let me explain:

I don't know who I am. Honestly. If you were to ask me to tell you who I am, I wouldn't know what to say? Yes, I could tell you things about myself--I'm 26 years old, I'm a Christian, I live in Los Angeles and work in Orange County, I like to hike, my favorite color is green, and I could eat Oreo cookies till they killed me--but none of that is really who I am. Those are just details, and details can change. A little over a year ago, I lived in Atlanta, and before that, Michigan. Last year I was 25, next year I'll be 27. I heart Oreos but I never buy them anymore because they're just not healthy in large quantities (they're like potato chips; I can't eat just one).

Then what makes me me? My personality? Gosh, I hope not. When I think about my personality, I kind of feel like the lawyer from the movie Rat Race, Harold Grisham, who was described as being "tragically born without a personality." I don't express a lot of emotion. There are reasons and slowly God is helping me to let go of them (something I need to write about one of these days), but whether I'm happy or sad, joyful or angry, in a good mood or bad, it's pretty difficult to tell just my looking at me. And yes, I wish this wasn't the case. But anyways...

When I think back over my life, I can recall countless times, especially from high school on, when I would look to my friends for answers to the questions, "who am I?" "what should I be like?" "how should I act?" I think by the time I got tired of my friends wondering why I was quiet, I felt like I didn't know how to act around them anymore. I didn't know what was cool or uncool, what would earn their approval and what would get me laughed at (which was one of the biggest reasons I went quiet in the first place). So I would watch my friends, study their behaviors, the jokes they made, the way they talked, and I would try to sort of impersonate them, but not so much that anyone could tell. I tried to be like them because I figured it was safer than being me...of course it was, because I didn't know who I was, and if I tried to be just me, who knew how people might react?

As I've said before, I struggle with the irrational fear of being judged. And it led me to the point where I felt more comfortable trying to be other people than just being myself...which might explain a bit why I have very little trouble getting up on stage in front of huge crowds and acting; I could get up in front of people and deliver a monologue without a problem, but ask me to stand up and deliver a speech and I'll close up like a farm house preparing for a storm.

I'm not sure what eventually woke me up to the realization that trying to be like everyone else wasn't a solution to finding my personality--maybe I just got tired of trying, or maybe I just began to see that they were all someone I couldn't be and maybe that's okay--but somewhere along the way I decided to stop imitating life and start living it myself...and I wish I could say it's gone well so far, but in all honesty, it's really just going very slowly.

I'm 26 years old, and I don't really know who I am, because I've been so careful not to let the world see the real me that I've lost sight of the real me, myself. I've spent so much time looking to the world to define me that when I finally realized it can't and I look at myself to see who I really am, I find nothing. Just a mostly blank canvas with a few flecks of paint scattered about.

Who am I?

Moses asked that question once back in Exodus 3. Granted, there was more to the question and the context is totally different than the one I'm in, but it's all I can think of right now, so we'll go with it. God was talking to Moses through that burning bush, telling Moses about all the crazy stuff he was about to be sent off to do, and Moses replied, "Who am I...?"

Moses was an 80 year old man who ran away from home when he was 40 and spent all those years since as a shepherd, probably feeling about himself the way I sometimes feel, like you've just screwed up so much in trying to do things your own way in your own time that running away from the problems is just the best solution. Only he took it to a level I thankfully never have: he ran off and spent 40 years hiding with sheep. And then God showed up.

Not to say He wasn't always there all along. But God speaking to me through a burning bush would, in my opinion, be something I would describe to people as "God showing up."

God interrupted Moses' decades of sulking and told him who he had been created to be: the guy meant to lead Israel to freedom. And Moses' response? "Who am I...?" He didn't know. He felt like a no body. He'd messed up, he'd found a safe place to hide where he wasn't hurting anyone anymore, and that was probably fine by him...mostly. But see, I don't believe any of us can be truly happy hiding. If so, I think Moses would have heard God's request and just said, "no thanks, I'm good," then put his sandals back on and walked away. But he didn't, and I haven't either. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried to just say, "I give up. This is stupid. It's too hard, it doesn't make any sense, I don't understand what you're up to, God, or where you're leading me or why you're doing all this. Life was easier when I wasn't trying. Can't I just go back to that?" But before I can walk away, I always find this desire in my heart to keep my focus on God, because I think like Moses, I know that this hiding isn't where I was created to be. It might be easier, but dude, it is boring. And sheep are no fun to talk to, really.

God knew who Moses was, who He had created him to be, and it was through God that Moses came to learn who he really was. Not some failed Hebrew/Egyptian prince turned sheep herder, but a man so perfectly prepared and placed to free the nation of Israel from captivity. Which gets into a whole other side of things: waiting = good(usually). But yeah, some other time.

And that's what I want. No, not to spend 40 years in the desert herding animals while waiting around for a bush to catch fire and talk to me (I'd probably just start setting bushes on fire around year 20 out of sheer boredom, hoping each time something different would happen; "maybe this time it won't burn up!"). I want God  to be the one to tell me who I am. I want to find myself in Him, not in the world. Because this world can be cruel and dishonest and judgmental and it can even be out to keep me from being who I'm supposed to be, who God created me to be. God made me, which means no body knows me better than He does. He knows me, He knows why He made me and what it is He would like me to do, and that's what I want: I want what He wants for my life.

And I wish He'd just tell me right now so I can go get ready for it. Because like many people, I like to know ahead of time what's going to happen so I can make preparations, make sure all the details are worked out and everything is ready. But God, I'm learning, doesn't work like that. He's all for making us wait, having us sit tight and just wait for the next little nugget of insight to come along. Why? Because if He told us everything in advance, then we'd just be like, "Thanks, God, I've got it from here." And we'd go off on our own without any further need of Him, accomplish everything we were meant to, and take all the credit ourselves. Which isn't cool. Think about a child who, after growing up in a loving home, moves away, makes a successful life for himself, and never looks back to thank those who taught him along the way, who helped him to get to where he is today. He never calls home, never writes, never visits on the holidays, never credits his parents for all they taught him growing up. He just looks at his success and thinks, "Look what I've accomplished."

So I don't really know who I am, and that's the second reason I'm quiet. But I'm looking to God to help me discover who it is He's created me to be, and I really look forward to what He's got to teach me. I'm sure it's going to be tough to learn at times, but I don't really care, because the more difficult it is, the more worth it it must be.

Poem for a friend I wish I didn't have.

I have a friend who makes no sound, a friend you cannot see,

A friend no body wants around: my friend, monotony.

Monotony, you visit me just when I need you least,

You bore me with such details, a repetition feast.

The same things over and over and over and over and over again*.

It's too easy to joke about your driving me insane.

It's true, you're necessary for my job to be done well,

The great things you and I achieve, there are no words to tell.

Patience, persistence, both pay off when your time here is through.

Still...while you're near, I often feel I'd rather eat my shoe....

-an original poem inspired by my job :)

*pronounced like "gain" or it doesn't work...I know, it's a bit of a stretch.

"Two roads diverged in a wood," or "Why I suck at making decisions."

I'm not a huge fan of movies that don't end on a really happy note (ask me later why I hated "The Departed"), but sad though its ending was, "The Dead Poets Society" is one of my favorite movies. I'd explain why, but I'm trying to get into the habit of keeping my entries moderately short, so you'll just have to assume I have awesome taste in movies (my roommates are shaking their heads right now at those words, I'm sure...)

Amidst the many great poems quoted throughout the movie, the one that stood out to me most the first time I watched the film was a quote from the Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken."

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Beautiful words. Words that have rung in my ears over the years as I've hiked the hills of northern Michigan and the mountains of northern California.  And they've been just as inspiring in the figurative sense, encouraging me to take chances and risks in life decisions, to explore new opportunities I've never experienced before.

But, see, there's one little problem I have when it comes to my ability to take the road less traveled: I want to take both roads! I want to know where both roads lead. I want to know why people seem to prefer one over the other. I want to know what's around each of those next bends. Which is why I am horrible at making decisions.

Growing up, I would spend every second I could squeeze out of my parents standing before the LEGO shelves at a toy store, trying to decide which set to spend my hard earned cash on. When I pull up at a drive through, I sometimes panic when that speaker voice is actually prompt and ready to take my order the moment I pull up. And it's worse with the life decisions that actually matter (if I order a cheese burger, then decide as I'm eating it that I was actually in the mood for chicken nuggets, that's not too tough to get over).

A little over two years ago, the opportunity arose for me to move to Atlanta. It kind of snuck up on me and caught me off guard, as I had fully expected to spend a third year living at home after I graduated from college. I had no money to move, I had peace at last at the thought of another year at home (those first two years, I would have given just about anything to be somewhere else...but that's another story for another entry), and so the idea of moving to Atlanta in less than a week caught me rather by surprise, and it took three days full of prayer, long hikes, and a couple of podcasted sermons to convince myself that it was a risk worth taking.

I'm not saying that's bad. I think I'd be more concerned with my decision making process if I made choices like that without those days to pray and process things, because not thinking things through can lead to some disastrous consequences. But there are definitely times when I know I take too long to make a decision because I want to know ahead of time what each possibility holds.

The worst is when I find myself faced with a choice and I can't figure out which possibility is "God's will for my life." I put that in quotes, because it's a question any Christian attempting to grow in their walk with God will probably ask plenty. "What is God's will for my life/for this situation?"

"God, should I move to this other city, or would you rather I stay where I am right now?"

"God, should I take this job, because it's the only offer I have right now, or do you want me to work somewhere else and if I'll just have the faith to wait a bit longer, you'll bring it along soon after I turn the other company down?"

"God, should I buy a house or rent an apartment? And in which neighborhood?"

"God, is this the church you'd like me to get involved in? Or should I keep searching for a better church?"

"God, is this the person you want me to pursue toward marriage? Or should I just keep it at friendship because you've got someone better for the both of us, and pursuing this person would just screw up a perfectly good friendship?"

"God, should I order Chinese food or go with leftovers for dinner?"

Tough questions (most of them). And there are plenty more just like them. How do you know which is the direction God wants you to go and which is a quick bullet train to Heck? (over-exaggeration? what? what was that? what about grace? who's she?)

I have to admit, I'm no expert at figuring out the will of God for my own life. It's tough (though I do sometimes think maybe I make it tougher than it's supposed to be). But then if it were easy, what would we really learn from it?

I wish I had more answers to give or suggestions to make, but I'm still learning myself. But here are two things I do take into consideration when I find myself faced with a tough choice and a desire to do God's will: which direction looks easier, and which one do I feel more peace about? Whichever path looks easiest, chances are it's not the road I should take. Following God is rarely an easy road to travel, so if one path looks like smooth sailing, really question whether it's the one you should take. And consider which direction you feel more peace about pursuing. I find this one to be tougher to discern, because there are definitely times God calls us just to step out in faith without much instruction, and it's hard to feel peace during those times, but our God is the God of Peace. He isn't going to fill you with worries as you seek to follow Him; He's going to give you the peace to overcome those worries and the strength and the courage to trust in Him and follow wherever it is He is leading, no matter how difficult the road may appear. Think about Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego; they found themselves faced with the decision to either worship a statue or die in a blazing furnace. It's pretty easy to figure out which choice would be the easy, sensible thing to do; I mean, who really wants to be thrown into a furnace alive? But would that be the wise thing to do, the right thing, the thing God calls us to do? Hecks no. So what do they do? They choose the furnace. And while they might have been sweating bullets well before they were led anywhere near that inferno for all I know, if they were their words don't give it away. Here is their response:

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up" (Dan. 3:16-18).

They knew God could rescue them from that furnace and bring them out alive, but they even admit they don't actually know if He will! "But even if he does not..." They chose the road no one else was traveling, and they did it with confidence, even though they knew death was still a possibility.

I wish I always felt that kind of peace when I'm following God. I've definitely felt peace, but I'll admit there are definitely anxieties and unanswered questions playing in my head, nagging at me to give them attention and start worrying instead of trusting that God has it under control. It's not easy, but then no one ever said life would be. And I'm glad, because it's been my experience that when things are easy, when I do take that road more often traveled, I don't learn as much, the adventure doesn't feel as real, and I usually end up going back to that fork in the road in the end and taking the other path anyway.

Quick and sudden thought...

I have to write this down somewhere before I forget it, and I tend to lose things I write down on paper, so here goes a thought I suddenly had:

One of my biggest fears is that people will discover that I'm not perfect.

I almost feel like this might be one of the main causes, if not the cause, as to why I am the way I am. More on this to come in future editions of the Why I'm Quiet series...

What's in a lie?

Today, as I sit here letting my computer work for me (one of the perks of being an animator), I find myself questioning my fears. And it's an interesting feeling to do such a thing, to really stop and look at the things holding me back and ask, "Who's voice is this and why am I listening?"

Why am I afraid to speak?

Why do I have trouble meeting someone's eye?

Why don't I talk louder?

Why do I refuse to sing in front of people?

So many questions, and today is one of those days when I feel unusually excited at them because, while I may still give in to them sometimes, it almost feels like in this moment, the clouds hiding the truth about my fears are thinning and God is giving me a chance to peak inside and see the foolishness of it all. And I can only hope and pray that I remember what I see when the clouds roll back in and the fearful temptations arise again, so that in that moment, I will see the lies for what they are and instead turn my focus on God and walk forward with confidence.

Truth and Paddle Ball

I'm not going to lie, I have this weird knack for paddle ball. I'm so good at it, it kind of weirds people out. I don't say this to brag, because it's not really a talent I'm thrilled to have. I mean, come on, it's paddle ball. How much more useless can a talent get? (No offense meant to any of my professional paddle ball readers out there.)

Some people (*cough* my sister) would say I have a lot of little talents: I can juggle, I can hold my breath for almost two minutes (I'm actually not sure if I can do that anymore; I haven't tried in a long time), I can write nonsensical poetry fairly well, and somehow I ended up getting ridiculously good grades in my spanish classes (which is unfortunate, as I kind of loath the language and would prefer latin, greek, french, or japanese over it any day; it's not a bad language, it's just not really...pretty). But a talent I honestly wish I didn't have was this ability to look a person in the eye and lie right to their face.

I wasn't a compulsive liar by no means growing up, but I definitely spouted my fair share of little twisted truths over the years. Sometimes they slipped out in an effort to avoid punishment, sometimes to place the blame on others. But every time, it honestly hurt to do so. Not enough to want to change or fess up, usually, but there was this little Jiminy Cricket kind of urging deep inside that slowly grew louder over the years until finally, a few years back, I decided that I wasn't going to lie any more. It's a terrible thing to do, it's selfish and self-serving, which I'm aware both mean the same thing but they both sound appropriate, and I just felt that no matter how painful the truth, how embarrassing or how much stood to be gained or lost, I was going to be honest when put on the spot.

There was only one catch...by the time I made my decision to always speak the truth, I'd long since stopped really speaking. And it was quite some time before I realized just how possible it is to lie without words. Avoiding truth became my new out. A simple act of quiet ignorance to avoid responsibility. It was a pretty tough little indiscrete habit to discover, and one I'm sorry to say I still stumble back into every now and then, but I thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit, that close friend and advisor who's there inside of me, whispering to me, teaching me, opening my eyes to the mistakes I'm not even aware I'm making and helping me to develop new habits to rid myself of the old ones.

And that's one of the things I desire for this blog, to be open and honest about my life, no matter how much the truth may hurt to admit sometimes. Because while it might be embarrassing to admit my shortcomings and sinful habits, especially the ones I still struggle with, I can't imagine God blessing this site and using it to help others to grow or help me to grow if I'm not being honest with myself and with my readers. And besides that, an honest story can be one of the most encouraging things to read, especially when the author writes about something you're going through yourself. It's such a feeling of relief when you realize you're not alone in your struggles, when the words laid out before you shatter that lie that has tried to convince you that you're all alone in this thing you're dealing with, this sinful habit that no one should ever know about because they would never be able to look at you the same way again. I don't know how many readers I have, and I don't know if anyone who reads my words here might be going through something I've gone through or am still going through, but on the off chance such a person comes along, I want to be honest so that, if He wants, God can use these words to speak into the heart of some other struggling person and shine a light of hope in their heart.

So I'm just going to warn you now: expect honesty. Expect the truth. And no, it won't always be watered down to a nice, safe, G-rated version to avoid making you, the reader, feel comfortable. Sometimes the watered down truth just isn't enough. But don't worry, when the truth gets heavy and very real, I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time, and you can decide then if you feel comfortable reading on.

My first love, and the good kind of bragging.

On the days when I am most honest with myself, I am glad that I'm still single. Because though my heart yearns to be united one day with the most incredible woman I'll ever meet, I know deeper still inside that there needs to be something more within me first, or else the relationship I dream about having with my future wife will sadly remain a dream. If I am ever to love my future wife as she deserves, then she cannot be my first love. No, that title must belong to my God and Savior, for in Him are all things, and without Him, there is nothing.

Whoa, drama and deep thoughts and heaviness and such. Where's all the comedy? The cheesy and only somewhat accurate metaphors? The silly stories that kind of relate to a main point? I know, I know, these last few entries have been more serious than not, and there are plenty more to come, I'm sure, but tonight, I feel like a good, lighthearted entry (after that opening paragraph?), so here goes...

Somedays, I feel like a six year old who has just kicked the dog down the stairs, hurled a mud pie at his sister, and thrown a tantrum in the middle of a checkout line at the grocery store simply because my mom won't buy me the strawberry flavored bubble gum. What the heck does that mean? Well, suppose after doing all that, on top of all the messes I've made, all the clothes I've ruined, all the headaches my screams and cries have caused, my parents, instead of taking me over their knee and spanking me or sitting me down in a corner for a time out, take me to this amazing place where the jungle gyms are thirty feet high, the ball pit is the size of a football field with climbable trees growing up through it ever twenty feet, and all the candy I could ever dream of is right over there at the counter and it's all free? Oh, and the candy won't cause cavities, and it's 100% healthy yet somehow is the best I've ever tasted.

Something's not right, you say. I don't deserve such treats, such fun, such a ridiculous, unfathomable ball pit. I've been a jerk, a pain in the words I'm too young to know, a loud, screechy little brat who complains and cries just because he doesn't get his way when he wants...and yet you brought me here? To this place full of joy? To my heart's desires? Why? And one other question? Where are the three acres of already trained and housebroken snuggle-ready puppies?

Yes, yes, woot for over exaggeration and metaphors to stretch the imagination beyond the brink of silliness. But sometimes you have to really stretch the mind to try and grasp the goodness of God, because let's face it, no matter how hard we try, no matter how beautiful or creative the words we use, He is well beyond our grasp, and our only hope of any understanding comes in little gifts of the Holy Spirit.

So what am I trying to say? Well, I'm sitting here tonight in the first real office space I've known since I moved away from home two years ago, listening to some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard, looking out over the night lights of a city I love through the balcony doors beside me with a stomach full of sweet bacon-and-egg-covered burger goodness, listening to the occasional laughs of my amazing roommates filter up the stairs from our cozy, ambient, beautiful living room downstairs, and I have to wonder, what on this God's green earth did I ever do to deserve anything I've been given? Especially now?

My roommates and I just moved into a new apartment over the weekend, and another good friend of mine moved in with us. And I'm not going to lie, this place is unreal. It is everything we'd hoped to find and more, and yet we aren't paying any more individually than we were at our previous place. Beyond that, I have a job that continues to pay me well enough to live here and enjoy my life here, a job at which I continue to learn new things about the art I dream of mastering. I have a truck that continues get me to and from that job, even though it should have been retired by now. I have car insurance, and I am able to pay my student loans without help. I have an amazing community of friends, good books to read, good movies to watch and study from, and most of all, the Pacific Ocean, that beautiful endless blue expanse, is a mere three-ish miles down the road, and I have a good working bike to get me there whenever I want.

I am blessed. There's no other way to look at it. But I don't say this to brag about myself and my circumstance, and I most certainly cannot take credit for any of it, because to ever think that I deserved any of this would be utter foolishness. All too often I feel like that little kid throwing a fit for the sake of attention. I struggle, I stumble, I fall into sin like it were a swimming pool on a hot July day in Florida. I so often knowingly turn my back on the Lord to go after my own dreams, my own desires, my own selfish wants. I've said in prayers, "I know this is bad for me, but I don't care." I have spat in the face of wisdom and welcomed foolishness like my dearest friend.

And still God loves me. Still He is there to lift me and hug me and hold me the moment I painfully turn my face back toward him as I lay there in the filth of my actions. He loves me like I don't deserve, and so I have come to realize that if I honestly want what is best for me, if I want His will for my life, then my first love needs to be Him. First, above all else. Him first, others second, myself third. If I ever want that dream of a marriage to a girl who's very presence can break me down into tears of joy, if I ever want those acres of lovable puppies (I had to tie that in somehow), or that dream job doing visual effects for films or opportunities to see the world or a million other desires my heart holds, then God needs to be first in my life. Because without Him, all I'm doing is reaching out over the edge of a cliff at smoke.

And no, putting God first doesn't guarantee the life of my dreams. I may be single the rest of my life (I really really hope not, but only He really knows), I may never have the opportunity to work in the film industry or find myself blessed with a job that isn't an hour away or more, I may never have kids to watch grow up and pass along knowledge to, and I might never find a chance to get beyond the borders of this country. Heck, I may be hit with poverty one day like a fly on a windshield and it will last me the rest of my life, or I might end up dying far younger than I ever expected, or maybe for whatever reason I'll be martyred for my faith. Only God really knows what my future will be. But if the dreams I'm living out are the dreams God has for me, then it is more than worth it, because in the four years I have been in a real relationship with Him, I have definitely come to learn that His dreams for my life are far above and beyond any I have ever had for myself. They are the real deal. They are the beauty of life and the reason for it all.

So God, I thank you for blessing me in ways I don't deserve, for loving me even when I have done my best to hurt you, for forgiving me and giving me instead a new and better place to play. I shouldn't be here, but I am, and it's all thanks to you. I love you, Lord, and I pray I will forever keep my face turned toward you.

2 Corinthians 10:17 - "But, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'"

God is good. That's all I can say.

But what about during the hard times, you ask? Is God still good then? Could I still boast in Him when life straight up sucks? Well...yes, but I'll save that story for another day...