Truth and Paddle Ball

I'm not going to lie, I have this weird knack for paddle ball. I'm so good at it, it kind of weirds people out. I don't say this to brag, because it's not really a talent I'm thrilled to have. I mean, come on, it's paddle ball. How much more useless can a talent get? (No offense meant to any of my professional paddle ball readers out there.)

Some people (*cough* my sister) would say I have a lot of little talents: I can juggle, I can hold my breath for almost two minutes (I'm actually not sure if I can do that anymore; I haven't tried in a long time), I can write nonsensical poetry fairly well, and somehow I ended up getting ridiculously good grades in my spanish classes (which is unfortunate, as I kind of loath the language and would prefer latin, greek, french, or japanese over it any day; it's not a bad language, it's just not really...pretty). But a talent I honestly wish I didn't have was this ability to look a person in the eye and lie right to their face.

I wasn't a compulsive liar by no means growing up, but I definitely spouted my fair share of little twisted truths over the years. Sometimes they slipped out in an effort to avoid punishment, sometimes to place the blame on others. But every time, it honestly hurt to do so. Not enough to want to change or fess up, usually, but there was this little Jiminy Cricket kind of urging deep inside that slowly grew louder over the years until finally, a few years back, I decided that I wasn't going to lie any more. It's a terrible thing to do, it's selfish and self-serving, which I'm aware both mean the same thing but they both sound appropriate, and I just felt that no matter how painful the truth, how embarrassing or how much stood to be gained or lost, I was going to be honest when put on the spot.

There was only one catch...by the time I made my decision to always speak the truth, I'd long since stopped really speaking. And it was quite some time before I realized just how possible it is to lie without words. Avoiding truth became my new out. A simple act of quiet ignorance to avoid responsibility. It was a pretty tough little indiscrete habit to discover, and one I'm sorry to say I still stumble back into every now and then, but I thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit, that close friend and advisor who's there inside of me, whispering to me, teaching me, opening my eyes to the mistakes I'm not even aware I'm making and helping me to develop new habits to rid myself of the old ones.

And that's one of the things I desire for this blog, to be open and honest about my life, no matter how much the truth may hurt to admit sometimes. Because while it might be embarrassing to admit my shortcomings and sinful habits, especially the ones I still struggle with, I can't imagine God blessing this site and using it to help others to grow or help me to grow if I'm not being honest with myself and with my readers. And besides that, an honest story can be one of the most encouraging things to read, especially when the author writes about something you're going through yourself. It's such a feeling of relief when you realize you're not alone in your struggles, when the words laid out before you shatter that lie that has tried to convince you that you're all alone in this thing you're dealing with, this sinful habit that no one should ever know about because they would never be able to look at you the same way again. I don't know how many readers I have, and I don't know if anyone who reads my words here might be going through something I've gone through or am still going through, but on the off chance such a person comes along, I want to be honest so that, if He wants, God can use these words to speak into the heart of some other struggling person and shine a light of hope in their heart.

So I'm just going to warn you now: expect honesty. Expect the truth. And no, it won't always be watered down to a nice, safe, G-rated version to avoid making you, the reader, feel comfortable. Sometimes the watered down truth just isn't enough. But don't worry, when the truth gets heavy and very real, I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time, and you can decide then if you feel comfortable reading on.