Whoa, drama and deep thoughts and heaviness and such. Where's all the comedy? The cheesy and only somewhat accurate metaphors? The silly stories that kind of relate to a main point? I know, I know, these last few entries have been more serious than not, and there are plenty more to come, I'm sure, but tonight, I feel like a good, lighthearted entry (after that opening paragraph?), so here goes...
Somedays, I feel like a six year old who has just kicked the dog down the stairs, hurled a mud pie at his sister, and thrown a tantrum in the middle of a checkout line at the grocery store simply because my mom won't buy me the strawberry flavored bubble gum. What the heck does that mean? Well, suppose after doing all that, on top of all the messes I've made, all the clothes I've ruined, all the headaches my screams and cries have caused, my parents, instead of taking me over their knee and spanking me or sitting me down in a corner for a time out, take me to this amazing place where the jungle gyms are thirty feet high, the ball pit is the size of a football field with climbable trees growing up through it ever twenty feet, and all the candy I could ever dream of is right over there at the counter and it's all free? Oh, and the candy won't cause cavities, and it's 100% healthy yet somehow is the best I've ever tasted.
Something's not right, you say. I don't deserve such treats, such fun, such a ridiculous, unfathomable ball pit. I've been a jerk, a pain in the words I'm too young to know, a loud, screechy little brat who complains and cries just because he doesn't get his way when he wants...and yet you brought me here? To this place full of joy? To my heart's desires? Why? And one other question? Where are the three acres of already trained and housebroken snuggle-ready puppies?
Yes, yes, woot for over exaggeration and metaphors to stretch the imagination beyond the brink of silliness. But sometimes you have to really stretch the mind to try and grasp the goodness of God, because let's face it, no matter how hard we try, no matter how beautiful or creative the words we use, He is well beyond our grasp, and our only hope of any understanding comes in little gifts of the Holy Spirit.
So what am I trying to say? Well, I'm sitting here tonight in the first real office space I've known since I moved away from home two years ago, listening to some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard, looking out over the night lights of a city I love through the balcony doors beside me with a stomach full of sweet bacon-and-egg-covered burger goodness, listening to the occasional laughs of my amazing roommates filter up the stairs from our cozy, ambient, beautiful living room downstairs, and I have to wonder, what on this God's green earth did I ever do to deserve anything I've been given? Especially now?
My roommates and I just moved into a new apartment over the weekend, and another good friend of mine moved in with us. And I'm not going to lie, this place is unreal. It is everything we'd hoped to find and more, and yet we aren't paying any more individually than we were at our previous place. Beyond that, I have a job that continues to pay me well enough to live here and enjoy my life here, a job at which I continue to learn new things about the art I dream of mastering. I have a truck that continues get me to and from that job, even though it should have been retired by now. I have car insurance, and I am able to pay my student loans without help. I have an amazing community of friends, good books to read, good movies to watch and study from, and most of all, the Pacific Ocean, that beautiful endless blue expanse, is a mere three-ish miles down the road, and I have a good working bike to get me there whenever I want.
I am blessed. There's no other way to look at it. But I don't say this to brag about myself and my circumstance, and I most certainly cannot take credit for any of it, because to ever think that I deserved any of this would be utter foolishness. All too often I feel like that little kid throwing a fit for the sake of attention. I struggle, I stumble, I fall into sin like it were a swimming pool on a hot July day in Florida. I so often knowingly turn my back on the Lord to go after my own dreams, my own desires, my own selfish wants. I've said in prayers, "I know this is bad for me, but I don't care." I have spat in the face of wisdom and welcomed foolishness like my dearest friend.
And still God loves me. Still He is there to lift me and hug me and hold me the moment I painfully turn my face back toward him as I lay there in the filth of my actions. He loves me like I don't deserve, and so I have come to realize that if I honestly want what is best for me, if I want His will for my life, then my first love needs to be Him. First, above all else. Him first, others second, myself third. If I ever want that dream of a marriage to a girl who's very presence can break me down into tears of joy, if I ever want those acres of lovable puppies (I had to tie that in somehow), or that dream job doing visual effects for films or opportunities to see the world or a million other desires my heart holds, then God needs to be first in my life. Because without Him, all I'm doing is reaching out over the edge of a cliff at smoke.
And no, putting God first doesn't guarantee the life of my dreams. I may be single the rest of my life (I really really hope not, but only He really knows), I may never have the opportunity to work in the film industry or find myself blessed with a job that isn't an hour away or more, I may never have kids to watch grow up and pass along knowledge to, and I might never find a chance to get beyond the borders of this country. Heck, I may be hit with poverty one day like a fly on a windshield and it will last me the rest of my life, or I might end up dying far younger than I ever expected, or maybe for whatever reason I'll be martyred for my faith. Only God really knows what my future will be. But if the dreams I'm living out are the dreams God has for me, then it is more than worth it, because in the four years I have been in a real relationship with Him, I have definitely come to learn that His dreams for my life are far above and beyond any I have ever had for myself. They are the real deal. They are the beauty of life and the reason for it all.
So God, I thank you for blessing me in ways I don't deserve, for loving me even when I have done my best to hurt you, for forgiving me and giving me instead a new and better place to play. I shouldn't be here, but I am, and it's all thanks to you. I love you, Lord, and I pray I will forever keep my face turned toward you.
2 Corinthians 10:17 - "But, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'"
God is good. That's all I can say.
But what about during the hard times, you ask? Is God still good then? Could I still boast in Him when life straight up sucks? Well...yes, but I'll save that story for another day...
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